"i want jessica to relax at school."
-mrs. hartford, fourth-grade report card, 1998
--and extremely chill--
"i took a xanax, and you should've seen me, jess, i was just like you."
-alena yarmosky, post-flight to peru, summer 2009
--...which is weird.
at the age of 11, i was diagnoesd with general anxiety disorder, which is basically saying i lacked this chillness, like i lacked vitamin D, and could simply pop a pill to get my daily fix. i couldn't, obviously, but somehow i managed--
"you are the chillest person i know."
-actual words spoken by college friends, no doubt long before finals.
--and sometimes i didn't--
"you, and i'm saying this because i care about you, realllllly need to get laid."
-a friend this summer, drunk, as i was fretting about work
--as you can see. (and i can't believe i'm posting the above quote for the entire cyberworld to see [i mean, if anyone's out there] because at the time i was insulted beyond reason, no matter how "friendly" this comment was intended to be. which, i am told, it was; and which just goes to show that my sense of humor clearly was not aligned with that of this particular speaker).
so anyway.
when i left for college in the fall of 2007, people wondered aloud if i was on some sort of tranquilizer; i kid you not--
"how the fuck are you so chill right now?"
-alena yarmosky, august 2007
--which i wasn't, obviously. but the thought of going to college was less anixety-inducing and more hazy, adventurous, soft. i couldn't explain it.
and now, four days before i leave for europe--
--"you need to calm the fuck down."
-alex yarmosky, january 2010
--i find myself, embarassingly, crippled with fear. i'm terrified.
i don't even know why.
it's not a palpable, controllable fear. it's not the anxiety i experienced in the fall of 2008 when i couldn't run cross-country and my roommate was psychotic and everything was kind of crazy. it's this dreadful, unspeakable feeling that i'm leaving behind so many things. so many people, so many experiences.
and honestly, i've never been the type of girl who turns down adventure--
"let's hike all the way to the top! our parents won't care."
-me at age 8, midway to the summit of lenox mountain with elyse and conor, also aged 8, sans supervision
--and i know for a fact that this adventure, or whatever it will become, will be incredible. indescribable, if i may be so dramatic. in fact--
"you are being stupid if you worry about all the things you're missing."
-my inner conscience
--so i know that upon arrival, i'll cut the lashes, breathe in everything, feel the cobblestones (cobblestones? black sand? whatever...) beneath my heavy feet, in the sea air, you know, all that stuff that comes with being somewhere new and beautiful and life-changing.
but for now i can only wait, anxiously, for whatever will happen to happen.
"Jess, I know you... and I know myself. And I know that we are both designed for this kind of challenge, so even at the times when it appears to be nothing but brutality, to be nothing short of masochism, we have to remember that we are reinventing ourselves. And though this is at times painful, be excited, always, to meet the person you are about to be."
ReplyDelete-chelsea "caryl" fisher, jan 2010